About me…

This is a long one, so get comfortable… 

Annie commented yesterday that she realized she didn’t know a whole lot about me. I then realized I don’t really write a lot about my past here. I guess I never really thought about writing about it. I really do not like to talk about it, it’s been rough. Not as bad as some, but we all have our trials.

My childhood was very short. My parents divorced when I was about 12. I was forced to become a latch key kid. Back then it wasn’t normal. My brother was around but he wasn’t prepared to take care of a younger sister any more that I was ready to grow up. We had to take on the responsibilities. Preparing dinner and additional chores. I know that doesn’t sound like such a big deal today, but you have to realize that up until that time my mother was a house wife and took care of us. It was a very drastic change on top of losing the security of both of my parents. My father left physically and my mother left emotionally. I don’t blame them, really, not anymore. They had their own problems and didn’t know how to make it okay for us at the same time.

I became a horror of a daughter. I never did my school work and managed to pass just barely. My eighth grade year I played sick so much they probably should have failed me for absences. I snuck out all the time and my mother never knew where I was half the time. My parents decided it was time for me to live with my father.

I changed schools and made new friends. I LIKED school again, but it was my social life, not work (sounds like a certain 17 yr old we all know *grin*). I still ran around doing what ever I wanted with who I wanted. But this time I was out getting drunk and having sex.

At 16 I was dating a friend of my brother’s. He was 22. My parents knew him and allowed me to date him because they considered him to be responsible. They had known him for the last eight years. I got pregnant. We got married. I had Meaghan when I was 17 and I dropped out of high school. He became emotionally abusive. It was all my fault he had to drop out of college and work full time. In fact everything was my fault. I was working full time at a fast food joint, got my GED and tried to attend college part time AND raise a child and take care of a house and my husband while he ran around with friends. In the end the abuse became physical. But it was all my fault and I was the one sent to therapy. It was at this point that I first attempted suicide. It was not long after that he left me and took our daughter. I was 20. I accepted the divorce to get away from him. I had no support, no one to stand up for me, not even my parents.

Within less than six months I met and married my second husband. A few months after that my first husband stopped letting me see my daughter and we moved to New Orleans. About a year and a half later we had my second daughter, Becca. We moved back home when she was just a fews weeks old.

We lasted for a few years, but I was unstable. I had not stayed in therapy and I became the abusive one. My emotions were out of control. I attempted suicide again and nearly landed in the psyche ward. At the same time he was very much still under the control of his mother who decided he should divorce me and he did, and since she paid for it and I had no money to fight it, I lost my second daughter.

I moved in with my mother, went back to college, got a job and started therapy over. I met and fell in love with my third husband. We didn’t get married right away. we were both recently divorced. But my emotions were still out of control. If he had not dedicated himself to helping me I would not be here today. Four years ago this last Christmas was my last attempt at suicide. This time HE took me to the hospital and had me admitted to the psyche ward. I was there for three days.

It was the best thing that ever happened to me. I have been fighting to win ever since. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I was on medication for a while until I learned the behavioral skills needed to over come it. I still take anxiety medication as needed for panic attacks, which are becoming easier to handle.

I gained custody of my oldest daughter about five years ago when her father became pgysically abusive towards her. She has managed to handle it very well. I am very proud of her. I am doing all I can to help her not turn out like me. To give her the support and attention and tools she needs to get through life. The support and attention I didn’t get growing up. 

I am still in therapy and probably will be for the rest of my life, but not because I will never be okay. I am okay. I am happy with my life now for the first time ever. But I have back slid before and it can happen again. Alcoholics are still tempted to take a drink. While it may not be my fault, I am responsibile for taking care of it.

This is not the whole story. There are many many more details. But it would take a lifetime to explain a lifetime. Besides the past is the past and there is nothing we can do about it now.

My focus is on now, today, the eternal flux that IS life. And I am a happier person for it.

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