Tyler Durden, gotta love him…

I feel numb. I should be angry, sad, upset, pissed, something. But I’m not. Maybe my psyche is protecting itself. I don’t know. All I do know is that I don’t care.

I cleaned my apartment yesterday, not because I cared that it needed it, but because Sunday is the day I clean. Last night I went to bed at ten, not because I was tired, but because it was bedtime. I woke up this morning, got ready for work, and now I am here, working. Still, I feel nothing.

I don’t want to feel anything. Ever. Again.

We are all part of the same compost heap. What difference does it make what I do or what I care about? It’s all going to end the same anyway. We’re all just worm food.

Yesterday I learned that someone I love very much had been lying to me about something very important. Up until that moment I believed in my very soul that he loved me. Now, I believe nothing. I feel nothing. I don’t feel anger or sorrow. I just feel empty. For twenty four years I have been in love with this man and now I know the truth. His heart does not belong to me or anyone else for that matter. In the movie Fight Club a character named Tyler Durden says “It’s only after we’ve lost everything that we’re free to do anything.” I suppose in a way I am now free to do anything as I have lost the one thing that mattered most to me. Oh I could check out some Outer Banks vacation rentals and spend some time away from here so I can wrap my mind around it all, but I don’t see much point. It is what it is and I can’t change that. So I’ll just keep on keeping on. I have my children to care for and family and friends who love me. I will survive this just as I have survived everything else. But I will never forget.

AMC is running a marathon of The Matrix trilogy this weekend. I have no idea why. I loved the first one. The second I saw in the theater when it came out and was disappointed. Too many special effects and not enough plot. So, I never saw the third one. My youngest is watching it now. I’ve got TiVo set up to record it later so I can actually watch it. I’ve been doing some cleaning and have missed most of it. Now I just want to see how it ends. I used to be a big Keanu Reeves fan, but I guess I matured a bit because now it’s Edward Norton. Strange how your tastes change as you get older, isn’t it?

I know I haven’t posted in a while. I was doing good there for a few days, wasn’t I? There is no real reason why I haven’t been posting. I didn’t need any rv repair or anything major like that. I just haven’t felt like posting. It would all be whining anyway. I am really not happy with my life right now. I have so many things on my mind and nothing I can really do about any of them right now. Hopefully in the next few months several of these things can be set to rest and my life will be able to move on and get to some sort of normalcy.